contemplating motherhood

For a long time, I've wondered if I would become a mother. I also found myself believing my value would come from motherhood. I have probably spent more time considering motherhood than any career or job prospect. Before I was even married, I thought about how I could become a mother if I didn't ever marry. I looked at it as something I could control, whereas I wouldn't be able to control if I married.

There have been times I bought the lie that I wasn't a 'real woman' because I wasn't a mother. At times, I have been made to feel that I don't understand what being a woman is about because without being a mother, I was missing out on a vital part of the experience.

It appears I am on the path to motherhood, being nearly 20 weeks pregnant. While, I eagerly anticipate the joys and trials of this new chapter of life, I am cautious in my actions and words around women who have not walked in my shoes. I want to be sensitive to their hearts, no matter if they yearn for children of their own or have chosen not to be a mother.

I wonder what type of mother I will be. Will I be overly cautious or worry that I'm doing the right thing? Right now, I worry that I will forget what life was like before I was a mom, that I will grow insensitive to others, likening every story to my journey of parenthood. Do you know moms like that?

I anticipate mothering will change me. But it won't rob me of the past 32 years of life, losing my own mother at the age of 20, moving to two cities on my own as a single woman, falling in love with the man I married and my eight years working full-time in higher education. These things have shaped the woman I am becoming and I'm sure motherhood will shape me in new and valuable ways.