pregnancy journey ((part 1))

I am so thankful for all the well wishes and congratulations from so many blog readers, Twitter and Facebook friends! Your kind words mean so much. We are beyond thrilled to be on the road to parenthood, as this little one develops.

via Etsy

Sharing the news comes with mixed emotions. We are thrilled, yet know there are many couples who struggle with infertility and I want to be sensitive to them. I cannot imagine what it must be like. My heart aches for friends who long to be parents, and those who have experienced miscarriage(s). I want to be sensitive to others, as it seems easy to get pulled into conversations about all things baby. 

My ugly heart. 

In addition to wanting to be sensitive, I have to be honest about my struggle with selfishness and jealousy. Throughout the months of September and October I felt like everywhere I turned someone was announcing their pregnancy news. We had started trying, but I was convinced it would be a long road. I had an ovarian cyst when I was in college and had told myself it would be a long road to conceiving for years before I was even married.

Last summer,  I cried when my husband told me our neighbor was pregnant. I was thankful he told me, so it could sink in and I could express my happiness for them in person, rather than the resentment that initially bubbled up. And that was not the first time I shed tears over the news of someone's pregnancy. I was impatient and wanted it to be my turn to be the one with that news. It was pretty ugly.

Finding out.

My cycle is like clock work, but I waited four days to take an at home pregnancy test. The previous month, I had tested negative. I didn't tell my husband when I took the test, but I summoned him to the bathroom to look at the pregnancy strip with me. We both stared in awe at the two pink lines and then got really excited! I will always remember that day.

I've had a hard time keeping a secret my whole life, but this one was especially hard. About three weeks into the secret keeping, I decided to call my doctor to schedule an appointment, but I had to leave a message. The fatigue was also catching up with me. As a I drove home from work that afternoon, I felt so alone and wanted to call my mom so badly, but she passed away 11 years ago. As I sat in traffic, with tears rolling down my cheeks, the phone rang and it was the nurse calling back to schedule my first appointment. She was so happy and said all kinds of reassuring things. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was so helpful to be able to talk to someone about my pregnancy.

((to be continued...))